How Walden Macnair Stole Easter
by loveretriever
Summary: Written for a contest prompt. Walden conspires to ruin Easter. Parody/humor one-shot. No pairings. Rated for mentions of violence and for safety. Because silly me forgot. :) hehe


This was written for an Easter-themed contest. The prompt was to write from the perspective of a 'Dark side' (aka Dark Lord & followers) character where the character tries to wreck/destroy Easter with the knowledge that the Easter Bunny (ie Mr. Peter Cottontail) is missing.

**Disclaimer:** The usual boring nonsense I can't translate for you. xD

Warning: This is pure humor/parody, with a little tragic background thrown in.

* * *

Foreword:  
This is a true account written down by Walden Macnair, Jr., former Executioner for the Ministry of Magic and former Death Eater.  
(With help and notes from his editor, Penny Pingleton.)

* * *

Walden Macnair sat down, sharpening his blade. Ever since those dirty, rotten kids had stolen Buckbeak right from under his nose, he had been demoted. Once an Executioner for the Ministry, now he was a regular old lackey. Again. Growling with frustration, Walden thrust down his executioner's axe. Why did he have to lose his promotion over a bunch of sniveling, little kids? And, even worse, it was that darn Harry Potter!

Face contorted with anger, Macnair kicked the handle of his axe and decided to go on a rampage. He picked up the heavy weapon and starting hacking away at the conveniently planted cornfield. (He was in a clearing, of course, and it was deserted.)

Grinning a little at the sensation of whacking off several heads of corn, Walden licked his lips with anticipation. Always ready for action, his brain wasn't too far behind his hands and thirsty axe.

Then, all of a sudden, as if he had the brains of the great and honorable Dark Lord, Walden Macnair came up with a great idea. It was spring, wasn't it? What better way to ruin a child's life than to ruin Easter?

Walden thought back to his childhood. He had never had a nice Easter like the other kids. If his lazy mother wasn't drinking, she was hitting him. If his bum father ever showed up, he would always ask for money from his broke mother. Walden cringed as he recalled a particularly bad fight - the one that had ended his mother's life.

He remembered it clearly. It was Good Friday and little Walden was walking home from church. Mother hadn't gone because she was sick. She had drunk too much the previous evening and was up in bed, sleeping.

Little Walden walked into the living room of the squalid flat and called out, "I'm home, mother!"

A grunting sound came from the bedroom, followed by scuffling noises. Grabbing a knife from the kitchen and his mother's wand from the living room table, little Walden slowly crept towards the bedrooms in the back of the flat. As he inched his way along the passage, he saw a huge figure at the end of the hall and froze with fright. It was someone he knew particularly well - Walden Macnair, Sr. The scum of the earth had returned!

Little Walden ran towards the man and jumped him, shouting, "Where's my mum? What have you done!?"

The older man laughed and held the little boy at arm's length. "Don't worry, little boy. Your mum is fine." He laughed evilly, pointed, yellowed teeth showing. "Looks like you'll be living with me, now!"

"Never!" Walden screamed.

And with one swift movement, he slit his disgusting father's arm open. His father screamed, dropping the little boy. Now that he was free, Walden Macnair, Jr. ran and ran and never looked back.

And that was how Easter was destroyed for little Walden Macnair.

Sighing, Walden hacked off a few more cornstalks just for the heck of it. Because he could. Oh, power. Power! It felt so awesomely delicious!

Licking his lips in anticipation, Walden decided to steal Easter and ruin it for all. He'd show those nasty brats who had the power!

Apparating away to London, Walden let out a maniacal laugh. He'd show them all and his good-for-nothing father!

Once he arrived at his flat, Walden collected the things he would need:

- His axe-sharpening tool  
- Bunny Bait  
- A copy of the latest _Daily Prophet_

Opening the _Daily Prophet_, Walden stopped, a slow smirk spreading across his face. The cover article told him all he needed to know. It went like this:

"We are alerting all wizards and witches that this year, Easter is in mayhem! Peter Cottontail, better known as the Easter Bunny, has gone missing! This is an international catastrophe! Easter cannot go on without the Easter Bunny!

A reward of 1,000 galleons is being offered to anyone with information on the whereabouts of the Easter Bunny.

A reward of 10,000 galleons is being offered for his return.

Please, if you see something suspicious or if you know something about the Easter Bunny's location, let the Ministry know! Contact the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures."

Walden's smile would have been harrowing had anyone been around to see it.

"This must be my lucky day!" Walden half-yelled with glee. (Since no one was around to hear him, it is hard to judge whether or not he had really yelled or just wrote that to be over-dramatic.)

Walden decided not to bother with who had given him this golden opportunity. Thanking his lucky stars, Walden hurried off to Hogsmeade in search of the Easter Bunny's loot.

Apparating to the center of town, Walden walked around. _Hmm, where would the Easter Bunny be most likely to hide his stash?_ Standing outside of Zonko's Joke Shop, Walden fingered his axe hilt. _Of course! The Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts! But how can I ever get into Hogwarts?_ Walden thought, as he walked up to the gigantic castle. _Hmm, I'll figure something out,_ he shrugged.

Things always seemed to work out for him, anyway. Prime example: this Easter kidnapping business!

Walden approached the gates to Hogwarts and saw none other than his old friend and one-time roommate, Argus Filch.

"Oy! Filch! Hey, what are you doing out here?" Walden called, raising his hand. (Real Death Eaters, even former Death Eaters, do not wave like silly little schoolgirls, after all.)

Argus Filch, the Caretaker at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, turned around, startled.

"Huh? Who's that? Ah, is that you, Macnair?" Argus squinted, walking slowly towards the gates. For a man the same age as Macnair, Argus struck a stark contrast against the tall, muscled former Death Eater and Executioner. Stooped over and hunchbacked, Argus was a thin weakling compared to the strong-looking Macnair.

"Afternoon, Argus!" Macnair said rather cheerfully. (Again, for a former Death Eater. To be honest, Macnair was positively scowling down at the thin, whiny-looking Filch. Whiny-looking in Macnair's perspective, mind you.)

"What brings you 'round here?" Argus asked, rather suspicious of his one-time roommate. He remembered how Macnair had treated him.

Despite his maniacal hunger for killing, Walden had manners. Albeit bad manners, suited to a Death Eater of his ilk, Macnair knew how to be courteous when he wanted to. (Which was rarely, but the reader gets the point.)

"I was just in the area," Macnair said, trying on his superior air. (And unknowingly doing a very bad impression of Jason Isaacs - you know, Mr. Malfoy.)

"Cut the bull," Argus spat. "What do you really want?"

Walden grinned. He knew he had always liked Argus, despite the fact the man was a Squib. "I just want to get into the Forbidden Forest."

"What do you want to do that for? You're a man - haven't you got more sense than those idiot kids?" Argus leered, eyes darting between Macnair and the castle doors.

"Look here, you fool!" Macnair gruffly said. He rubbed the hilt of his axe more vigorously in his frustration. He dearly wanted to grab the Squib by his collar, but Walden was smarter than that. The magical gates would throw him back and alert the daft Dumbly-wumble-dolt to his presence.

"Haven't you heard?" Macnair asked, trying a different tactic. Relaxing his shoulders, Macnair gave Argus a knowing, conspiratorial look, as though he were letting Argus in on a little-known secret.

"Heard what?" Argus replied, just as Macnair thought. Dropping his voice instinctively, Argus crept closer to the gate.

"The Easter Bunny is missing. And his loot is hidden away in the Forbidden Forest!" Macnair hissed through the gate.

Argus's eyes opened in surprise. "By Merlin's red-and-purple-striped socks - is it true?"

Before Argus could wander off, Macnair quickly said, "But there's a catch - you need magic to find it."

Argus's face fell. "Bah, humbug! Magic?! Why does everything good require magic?"

"So, here's the deal - I'll let you in on some of the reward if you'll let me pass through to the Forbidden Forest." Macnair looked Argus straight in the eye so the Caretaker would know he wasn't lying.

Although Macnair didn't intend to split the winnings, he would toss Argus a bone.

"You would do that? No cutting corners?" Argus measured Walden with his own patented, equally creepy stare. "All right," the Caretaker grunted. "I'll let you in if you pass me some of those Easter rewards."

Macnair nodded. "Deal. Now let me in!"

Argus assented and the gate creaked open.

"Now, get back to work and act like nothing happened. You hear?" Macnair ordered.

Argus spat in disgust. "What's with you wizards ordering me around?"

"Sorry, mate. Just making sure. Can't have other people getting suspicious, you know?" Macnair looked surreptitiously up at the castle.

"Oh, I see. Yes, yes, very good. Come, Mrs. Norris!" Argus walked off with his cat and one last discreet wave in Macnair's direction.

Macnair rubbed his hands together. Perfect! Argus the Idiot was always ever helpful. Now, to find the Bunny's lair...

Walden made it to the Forest unseen and snuck around the various trails. After a few hours of searching, Walden took out his wand. It was getting dark and time was ticking. He had no idea where the Easter Bunny's lair could be and he didn't know who had taken the Easter Bunny in the first place.

The path he had followed twisted and turned. Large gnarled trees surrounded him. Walden hadn't come across any creatures so far. Suspicious, Walden turned to look behind him, just to make sure, and promptly toppled over the ridge he had failed to spot in time.

"Wahh!" Walden screamed, (like a little, prissy girl), falling head over heels.

"By the Dark Lord's oiled turban!" Walden cursed. Picking himself up, Walden saw that he had landed in a huge bunny hole.

"Oh no! Let me out of here!" Walden screamed, banging on the earthen walls.

And that's when he saw it. The hoard. The Easter Bunny's eggs. Walden's eyes grew with surprise. He had found it! The Easter Bunny's plunder!

"YES!" Walden yelled, jumping with joy. "It's mine! All mine!"

Using magic, Walden managed to fit all of the wonderfully delicious chocolate-containing eggs into his robe's various pockets. Gleefully Walden hunted around the rest of the warren, making sure he hadn't missed any. Wand out, the tip lit by _Lumos_, Walden carefully scrutinized each room. He cast a plethora of spells over each area that could possibly contain more eggs. Once he had finished, Walden erased all traces of his presence and tried to get out.

But he couldn't.

"Oh no! I'm stuck here! I hate underground caverns!" Walden wailed for five minutes.

And then Walden Macnair, Jr. had a brilliant thought. "Of course! I'm a wizard, aren't I?"

He Apparated back to his London flat.

"I am awesome. That is all," Macnair shouted as he dumped his robe's contents onto his makeshift sofabed. (Yes, living on a very reduced wage, Macnair's only furniture aside from his Floo-connected fireplace was a very old, faded sofabed.)

Macnair enjoyed the chocolate eggs. (And he didn't share any of his plunder with anyone else as he enjoyed them all, the glutton!)

The next day's _Daily Prophet_ headline read:

"Peter Cottontail has been found by Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's Caretaker, Argus Filch!"

The article is as follows:

"Mr. Argus Filch, resident Caretaker and Squib at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry found the missing Easter Bunny yesterday afternoon. Poor Peter Cottontail had been hit over the head by a Roadrunner that said, "Beep, beep!"

Mr. Cottontail is now recovering at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.

Mr. Filch has received the 10,000 galleon reward and plans to retire his post at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. When asked what his future plans are, Mr. Filch said he would like to travel and then eventually settle down in a nice cottage in Devon."

Walden Macnair cursed. That darn Filch!

* * *

Yes, I wanted the Squib to win for once! :)

And this is dedicated to the awesome Sam because she won our little bet. :P hehe


End file.
